Let the Digging Begin - Sourcing the Fears

With the intent on “getting over” my extreme fear I set out journaling and as I call it digging. With everything I wrote however, there seemed to be a blockage, somewhere inside of me, a portion of me didn't want to dig it up and let it go. The changes I've decided to take are monumental for me and I really had stepped way out of my comfort zones doing this. No wonder I had had those things coming up for me. 

I did the normal thing of procrastination for a few hours the first few days. Almost all of us do the procrastination nation thing when we KNOW something has to be looked at, sorted or changed. Oh I've done it time and again, finding other things that “have to be done” and doing those in place of the real necessity at hand. It's like fixing the barn door but the rest of the barn is in shambles... doesn't make sense but we all do it at one time or another. 

Then I set out with even more desire to move things along. I couldn't just sit there forever no matter how wonderfully serene that place was. I have a life to live and just sitting there holding that fear within me wasn't going to get me to my dreams. I listened to meditations, talked to a friend and wrote like mad. Little by little the chips began to fall into place once I sent her something I'd written a few months back. 

Most of my life I had lived a life of fear, not faith. Only in the last decade had I started working on more faith and less fear in my life. The last few of these years have been monumental lessons for me in having faith. This deep seeded faith and understanding all was working out in Divine timing, Creator's hand at work and what I needed was to let loose the cords at their roots. 

One thing I'll mention here I've learned from my indegenous friends over the years as well as from watching elders speak via video is if you see something three times in quick succesion in your life PAY ATTENTION! There is a correlation to what you are seeing in your outside world and what is going on in your inside world. I was seeing this three times, once in myself, once in my partner and another in a friend. 

As I dug I looked at things from various angles. From the back of my Safari I found my mothers old photo album, which I was prompted to do by an internal dialogue. I looked it over and realized how very few pictures of me as a growing child there were, almost all of them were of me as a tiny baby and small toddler. In there I found a business card of my Dad's. It has to be well over 45 years old and with an address I didn't recognize. I then went to the web and looked at my home town. It brought me back to the flats we'd lived in when I was quite small. We had lived there for a couple of years and that is where many things with my intuitive side started. 

Until a few years ago I hadn't had all the pieces to put together with regards to many of my life events as a child. It started coming together the year my mother died. It was then my aunts and uncles gave me their time and understanding on events that had occurred long before I was born. This apartment block was at the center of those events. They were the scene of my grandmother Ada's murder 54 years ago. 

My family neither my mother nor my father knew anything about energy. They didn't know about thought, feeling, imprints, spirit energy or other things I've learned over the years. What made my father move us to those flats I'll never know other than probably money being tight. That was a concurrent theme in my growing up years. They weren't the most up market apartments in the area to say the least. The old couple that ran them had done so for ages and my family was on very friendly terms with them that old photo album even has pictures of them and the flats. By his moving his little family band to those flats, many things started in my life, not the least of which was my budding psychic abilities. 

There in those flats at the age of two I remember seeing and feeling things that would make me hide under beds, in closets and where-ever I could find space to hide. I'd always remembered hiding from something but it wasn't until decades later as an adult I would let myself understand why. It was there that I knew before my parents my Grandfather Clyde had died. It is there that I learned I had to stop seeing what I was seeing as it had tough results for my mother. It was here too that she started taking me to every church in town. 

At some point she called the local Methodist Minister to “baptize me” and I remember locking myself in the bathroom so that no one could get to me. The undercurrent was an energy I like feeling even to this day. The tall dark haired pastor in his black robes he donned on with the white collar didn't set a loving vibe in this tiny redhead at the time so I locked myself in that old very pink tiled bathroom. 

As I dug through my memories and more those days, I also asked Creator “How” on many points. I did this to activate the energy from within as well as that which is always around us. If we ask “Why” to Creator as we go through life it is an inactive, supplicant role we take in life. However, if we use “How” we then take a more active part in our journey. We then with asking “How can I/we see this more clearly” or “How can I do more of this” “How can I release this _______ energy even more” we then give the green light to both Creator as well as ourselves to make it so, more and more. 

The second to the last night there I sat next to the pond late, after the birds had taken their resting spots for the night. The moon was almost directly over head, my long skirt and bare feet touching Mother Earth. There in the darkness and serenity of the evening around me I asked Creator “How” on many things. I asked Mother Earth, my Angels and Guides, as well as Creator that night feeling within me an attuning, a sacredness of what I was doing, in asking for Guidance. 

As I went to drive out two mornings later I had a shift within myself. As I heard words from what I've listened to in the past guide me, shifts within me were occurring. I could feel it intently.

From there I drove on to my next stop. The fear I had felt was no longer there anywhere close to what it had been. It was almost completely gone. I kept saying my affirmations (and still do!) and kept asserting that the signs I had been given regarding safety, peace, unfolding and time for self were spot on for this time in my life. 

My new destination has a lovely little pond filled with giant gold fish. (you can call them Koy, to me they are giant gold fish) The bull frogs are talking as Buddy and I walk by. The cows in the field adjacent to the RV park are wonderful to hear. Creator has led me to the right place for the next steps in my journey in more ways than one.

Digging a Little Deeper

            After the shop was finished with my tires and all the rest that those wonderful folks checked I left the shop knowing I didn't have a lot of energy in me for a longer drive. What I didn't realize at the time was just how worn out and tired I was, not from just the previous day, but also from all the things that had gone on in my life the months before.

           As I drove I coaxed myself to the next stop, an RV park that was supposed to be peaceful with a little duck pond. It was only a few miles up the road and I kept coaxing myself as well as counting down the miles. When I arrived at the exit sure enough, there was the stop over. Driving in I saw ducks with little ones, geese and even two lovely swans with their cygnets.

           I signed in parked up and did the necessary for the RV to have electric and water then collapsed into my chair, exhausted. Two days I had paid for in advance, little knowing I would need almost a week to recover, rest and root out issues of fear deep within me.

           Once evening set in I opened the windows and smelled the scent of honeysuckle in the air. After assuring my wonderful other half I was OK and we said good night, I went to the back and fell asleep for a couple of hours. I woke up late in the evening and did the necessary for our food and took Buddy for his tinkles. Buddy woke me for his tinkles so he had to wait while I found my shoes and got myself together. Out we went to the lovely sound of ducks and geese bedding down for the night.

           The following morning I took another bath having had one the evening before and thanked Creator for the water flowing in my little shower/tub unit. I thanked Creator for getting me to that spot as it felt so very restful. I did dishes and watched the fur babies take their spots for the day.

           I called and messaged a few friends, then went to the back and had another good sleep for a couple of hours.

           It was after that kip I realized just how tired I was. Each day I took as it came, my nerves were on edge at the thoughts of getting Safari on the road again. This I knew had more than the blowouts that I had experienced the last two weeks. This was something more it was deeper and I had to “go digging” as I call it.

           For me, I use journaling and allow my inner self to talk. I write down whatever comes to mind. There are many ways to work with and through these deep seated emotions, thoughts and feelings we have within us. For me however, it starts with journaling and from that point I'll be drawn to meditations, mp3 programs by amazing teachers I have on hand or a book in the bookshelves, it may also come in the form of being drawn to a friend or mentor with their aid to the ready.

It was with this intent I set out to clear, dig and root out. This time I needed a really good pitch fork and a bit of extra umph because her roots were deep, life long in fact.

Creator's Message in a Little Tennessee Garage

           Thank-Fully the night I slept at the garage I slept reasonably well and for some reason there at the shop I felt safe. There I felt safer than at the up market resort/RV campground that I stayed at the night before. Whilst the view over the water was gorgeous, complete with a few Great Blue Herons flying near and the mountains in the distant being picturesque as they are, the feelings I had I couldn't shake. Even with the many workers present, and there were dozens of workers and security things around, I didn't FEEL safe. However, at that shop the energy around me gave me an incredible feeling of being safe.

             To the rear and side of where my motorhome was parked were three beautiful horses in their pens. When I went to fetch water to have a sponge bath, each horse greeted me and let me give them a rub as I talked to each one. The birds were singing their morning chorus of hello's. The scene was that of a fairly large garage and various diesel vehicles and big rig trailers about. There however I felt safe. The loving care of Ryan and Noreen I think is what has made the difference.

           They pulled Safari into the bay with the pit as they call it. Ryan informed me about half an hour before he thought there was a bad U-joint on her and they were going to have to replace it. At that point I went inside myself on the walk back and said “OK God/Creator you take care of this.” I kept repeating my affirmations and put my trust in Creator that all would work out all right.

           Sitting in the bay, they were kind enough to find me an extension cord for my computer to work as house system was off. Thank-Fully it was cool in the bay and the cats came out for the most part relaxing and making themselves comfortable as cats can do so well. Buddy after trying to get cuddles and pets from the gentleman that brought Safari in the bay has settled down with a good rest.  Here was the time to take a lesson from them, say my affirmations and relax. That's what I did. I wrote various things and did some thinking as well as tae a small nap even with the rata-tat-tat of the air guns and feeling the jacks lifting Safari and us up. Sitting in Safari I'm already over 5 feet from ground level, let me just say here and now it IS an interesting experience knowing you are sitting on 5 ton jacks over a pit that is probably 7 feet deep in places. I was however able to have a good kip for a little while still feeling safe.

            To me there has just been so much happening in my life, too much in a lot of ways. These things have made me think more along the lines of what my teachers from afar have been talking about the last few years. So much to look at and ponder sitting there in the semi dark bay watching the time roll away.

            After a bit of time I noticed one of the other doors to the side of this giant garage open. To the left side over on the hill was a small white church. How interesting I could see that from where I sat in Safari. To me the little church represented faith and trust in the Creator.

             I hadn't a clue whether it was a Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Episcopal, Church of Christ, Church of God or any of a number that one may find. Having been brought up with an unclear Judeo Christian back ground (My mum took me to every church in town and only occasionally after I was about 5) however the beginnings of it were there. Later in my teen years well, that's an interesting story or two for another time let's just say it was of the evangelical nature for now. No matter though, that church to me represented a faith in Creator, regardless of the name you wish to use.

              Creator talks to us in all sorts of ways, I saw this little country church and was listening. Faith, this has been what has gotten me through the last few years, sometimes by the tiniest of threads I held on to. When one's life seems to be tipped upside down and sideways, those threads mean the world and then some. We may co-create our world but there is a Creator that has our plan in hand, even if we aren't reading all the blue prints yet. This Church to me said “hold onto the faith” and I did.

             I kept saying my affirmations and sending out the feelings that everything was going to be all right. These amazing men did their work and took their time with it, not the hurried hustling and bustling style we often see today. Creator was at work through these wonderful men. When all was said and done hours later, my bill was a gift from them and Creator of abundance as abundance comes in many ways. I was so happy to give Noreen a hug for all her caring and to thank them for making sure all is well with Safari's systems. With two new tires mounted I headed up the road for a short drive to start recuperating from everything the last few days as well as the last few weeks.

             I was beyond tired in far too many ways. The night before I had found a spot through the web that looked like it would do for a few days layover so that I can get my energy back to what it needs to be to complete the next 800+ miles of this trek I am to drive. It looked lovely on the web and so I counted down the miles and drove Safari to my new resting area. Now for a bit of rest, reflection and asking for Guidance on the next part of my journey, both for on the road as well as for the inner part of me – my soul.

Creator Working Magic

Today I'm so Thank-Full!!!

My journey from Athens, TN to New England started two days ago in some ways and in others it's been much longer. Almost two weeks ago I was delayed because I had two tires blow out as I went to get something I was needing for my trip. The blowouts were within just miles of each other but thankfully the tire repair shop was there and gave me the help I needed.

I left Sunday morning, my nerves on end and I couldn't point out as to why. I just was as nervous as could be and my leaving time was delayed due to my nerves. I drove just under a hundred miles and needed to stop for the day. The A/C isn't working in the front of the motorhome and it was getting to be over 80 inside. My nerves weren't helping as I was sweating buckets. I saw a sign on the interstate saying there was a campground just a few miles ahead off of the next exit. OK I thought, this one's it.

When I arrived there it was a very hilly campground for the roads, but the spots were flat for the most part. However, my nerves were still on end as my motorhome wanted to roll a bit even in park. I couldn't sleep well that night as my spot albeit with a gorgeous view of Douglas Dam, had a slight tip and my motorhome was blocked to keep it from rolling. I finally had to assure myself of what I've been told, Trust, by Creator through various signs and went to bed exhausted.

My nerves were worse the following morning. I couldn't explain it logically. I said to myself, the last time they were this bad I had the double blow out. Well, less than 30 miles later, I had another one.

This one less than a mile from an exit on a very busy interstate highway. Here in the states the motorways can range from 55MPH and upwards. I had already been slowing from my already slower speed when I felt it go.

Thankfully I was close to the exit and inched her, (Safari is a lady motorhome) to a parking lot with a restaurant and a convenience store/gas station. Once I knew we were parked OK, I called my motorclub and help was on the way after a little bit. I'll have to admit, with all the pressures I've felt of late and all the stresses, as soon as I hung up with Ashley of my motorclub, I had a really good cry in the motorhome then and there. A short while later I had another good cry.

Since I was parked in the car park of the chain restaurant I decided that since I'd had little breakfast, now was a good time to eat and went in to order. Buddy my wonderful little dog, shared a little of my meal with me as did Noodles my 14 year old Tomcat. Noodles was already looking around and curious as to where we were now. The other cats were still in their hiding spots.

I finished my meal with only half of it eaten, sipping cold water then another good cry to relieve a little more of what was pent up inside me.

In all of that I was grateful and keep telling Creator, my Angels, my Guides and everyone “thank you!” I'm thank-full because we are all safe.

Then the gentleman arrived from the service and his aid and caring have been truly a huge series of blessings as has his office manager's caring. He sat there with me on the pavement in the shade of Safari and I told him of my nerves and the why's of the older tires. He made a call to the shop and then he lead me all the way to his shop at 20 mph so that I made it safely and having that lead after everything meant the world to me. He introduced himself as Ryan and it wasn't until hours later parked there at his shop I realized he was the owner of the shop. His lovely office manager Noreen and he guided me to a spot at their shop where I could park and and have electric for the motorhome for the night. Their wonderful kindness to a complete stranger, me, is a blessing beyond measure.

I'm thank-full because we are comfortable and able to have cooled air. I have food in my motorhome so we are able to eat. I have water so that I can have tea or water and frozen fruit. There is a water tap near by so in the morning I can have water enough to clean up.

We're safely parked and comfortable, so there is so much to be thank-full for!!

Tomorrow is another day to start and how things will go I don't know, but Creator lead me to just the right spot for what is needed in so many ways. 

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