With the intent on “getting over” my extreme fear I set out journaling and as I call it digging. With everything I wrote however, there seemed to be a blockage, somewhere inside of me, a portion of me didn't want to dig it up and let it go. The changes I've decided to take are monumental for me and I really had stepped way out of my comfort zones doing this. No wonder I had had those things coming up for me.
I did the normal thing of procrastination for a few hours the first few days. Almost all of us do the procrastination nation thing when we KNOW something has to be looked at, sorted or changed. Oh I've done it time and again, finding other things that “have to be done” and doing those in place of the real necessity at hand. It's like fixing the barn door but the rest of the barn is in shambles... doesn't make sense but we all do it at one time or another.
Then I set out with even more desire to move things along. I couldn't just sit there forever no matter how wonderfully serene that place was. I have a life to live and just sitting there holding that fear within me wasn't going to get me to my dreams. I listened to meditations, talked to a friend and wrote like mad. Little by little the chips began to fall into place once I sent her something I'd written a few months back.
Most of my life I had lived a life of fear, not faith. Only in the last decade had I started working on more faith and less fear in my life. The last few of these years have been monumental lessons for me in having faith. This deep seeded faith and understanding all was working out in Divine timing, Creator's hand at work and what I needed was to let loose the cords at their roots.
One thing I'll mention here I've learned from my indegenous friends over the years as well as from watching elders speak via video is if you see something three times in quick succesion in your life PAY ATTENTION! There is a correlation to what you are seeing in your outside world and what is going on in your inside world. I was seeing this three times, once in myself, once in my partner and another in a friend.
As I dug I looked at things from various angles. From the back of my Safari I found my mothers old photo album, which I was prompted to do by an internal dialogue. I looked it over and realized how very few pictures of me as a growing child there were, almost all of them were of me as a tiny baby and small toddler. In there I found a business card of my Dad's. It has to be well over 45 years old and with an address I didn't recognize. I then went to the web and looked at my home town. It brought me back to the flats we'd lived in when I was quite small. We had lived there for a couple of years and that is where many things with my intuitive side started.
Until a few years ago I hadn't had all the pieces to put together with regards to many of my life events as a child. It started coming together the year my mother died. It was then my aunts and uncles gave me their time and understanding on events that had occurred long before I was born. This apartment block was at the center of those events. They were the scene of my grandmother Ada's murder 54 years ago.
My family neither my mother nor my father knew anything about energy. They didn't know about thought, feeling, imprints, spirit energy or other things I've learned over the years. What made my father move us to those flats I'll never know other than probably money being tight. That was a concurrent theme in my growing up years. They weren't the most up market apartments in the area to say the least. The old couple that ran them had done so for ages and my family was on very friendly terms with them that old photo album even has pictures of them and the flats. By his moving his little family band to those flats, many things started in my life, not the least of which was my budding psychic abilities.
There in those flats at the age of two I remember seeing and feeling things that would make me hide under beds, in closets and where-ever I could find space to hide. I'd always remembered hiding from something but it wasn't until decades later as an adult I would let myself understand why. It was there that I knew before my parents my Grandfather Clyde had died. It is there that I learned I had to stop seeing what I was seeing as it had tough results for my mother. It was here too that she started taking me to every church in town.
At some point she called the local Methodist Minister to “baptize me” and I remember locking myself in the bathroom so that no one could get to me. The undercurrent was an energy I like feeling even to this day. The tall dark haired pastor in his black robes he donned on with the white collar didn't set a loving vibe in this tiny redhead at the time so I locked myself in that old very pink tiled bathroom.
As I dug through my memories and more those days, I also asked Creator “How” on many points. I did this to activate the energy from within as well as that which is always around us. If we ask “Why” to Creator as we go through life it is an inactive, supplicant role we take in life. However, if we use “How” we then take a more active part in our journey. We then with asking “How can I/we see this more clearly” or “How can I do more of this” “How can I release this _______ energy even more” we then give the green light to both Creator as well as ourselves to make it so, more and more.
The second to the last night there I sat next to the pond late, after the birds had taken their resting spots for the night. The moon was almost directly over head, my long skirt and bare feet touching Mother Earth. There in the darkness and serenity of the evening around me I asked Creator “How” on many things. I asked Mother Earth, my Angels and Guides, as well as Creator that night feeling within me an attuning, a sacredness of what I was doing, in asking for Guidance.
As I went to drive out two mornings later I had a shift within myself. As I heard words from what I've listened to in the past guide me, shifts within me were occurring. I could feel it intently.
From there I drove on to my next stop. The fear I had felt was no longer there anywhere close to what it had been. It was almost completely gone. I kept saying my affirmations (and still do!) and kept asserting that the signs I had been given regarding safety, peace, unfolding and time for self were spot on for this time in my life.
My new destination has a lovely little pond filled with giant gold fish. (you can call them Koy, to me they are giant gold fish) The bull frogs are talking as Buddy and I walk by. The cows in the field adjacent to the RV park are wonderful to hear. Creator has led me to the right place for the next steps in my journey in more ways than one.