Cycles and Circles Coming Turning New Chapters

I've been in New Hampshire now for just over a year. It's not been the easiest of years but I have seen the need to be back here in my home area after 35 years of absence to heal all the old wounds going back to when I was a girl. From what I've witnessed in the last few weeks, Creator is giving me the best nudges to do just that... Heal.  

This is where it all started for me, my life, feeling like an odd ball at every turn and doing the one thing most everyone in my family was proud of me for my academic ability. It's also the place where I learned to hide – literally in closets or under beds when I was very little. Being a little one and sensing more highly than family around you makes things interesting in life really quickly.  It's where I learned that it was best at the time where I said as little as possible so that my family would like me and I wouldn't feel like “the weird one” or that in some way I was misbehaving. 

This I've felt since starting my trip last June. It must have been something deep inside that my soul knew I had to make but my logical, ego based self only felt absolute fear in almost every mile of doing so. For me this wasn't the jolly fun adventure in a motorhome traveling to fun campgrounds and having a ball, it was healing time and working at the fear that had built up in me so much that I really thought at times it could choke me. God knows how thankful I am for those precious Souls who loaned me their listening ears and hearts throughout.

It's been an undercurrent all throughout my being back in New Hampshire. Things haven't worked out as I had planned, however, miracles and magic have unfolded at just the right times through out my stay. This was even more apparent last week as I drove along with the others after Karl's funeral. We were on our way to the luncheon afterwards and the path we took could not have been better planned. This is when it struck me the most how much this is all about coming full circle and finishing this cycle.

As the post funeral procession meandered through the streets of my home village. (THIS in and of itself was a surprise as I thought we were going in a southern direction for this, not north into my village! When I was told where it was to be, my jaw could have hit the floor!) First we passed by the street where old house we lived in on the edge of town was at that time. Then, going the back way, we ended up driving past my mother's birth place as well as her final resting place. My brain stopped at that point for just a few seconds. I knew on the way back I would be visiting Dad's grave as it was on my way home. Three graves in one day “unintentionally” by those driving but so intentional by Creator's hand as it looks.

I'll admit I was in a daze for a few minutes upon arriving at the lodge where the buffet had been set up. That drive couldn't have been better planned with all the places that were most familiar to me from my bike riding days. It was as if Creator was taking me back to my fun loving bicycle riding kid days as I think about it now, before Dad's death, before everything ground shaking 35 years ago had started. As I sit here writing this and thinking about all of it that day and the years before, it's truly something to wrap my head around.

For three decades I always said I wouldn't come back here to live because of the cold winters. That's only partially true, yes most of it is because of those brutally icy northern winters. (and let me tell you now, living through one in a motor home is NO picnic as that was me and so many others situation last winter) However the reality of it is my father died in one of those winters, shoveling snow and I don't think I've ever looked at snow the same way since in all honesty.

I remember leaving here at 14 ½ thinking I would be free of being the freak. I could have a new life where people wouldn't treat me as if I was weird or different. I could start again. But that really didn't happen, that wish soon faded and died. You cannot be anything that what you are in this life and for me, people have always been able to sense it. The courts had decided I would be given over to my oldest brother. He loved me, I felt that then. I thought his family, my sister in law and sons would too. I was far too naïve then to understand how so often families can put the word “fun” in dysfunctional.

No matter how hard I consciously tried, hiding the real me wasn't possible. I'll admit I fit in there about as well as an alpaca at a humming bird festival.

Regardless of how hard you try in life, you have to be you. You may feel lost, afraid, unable or incompetent, that good old “not up to the task” feeling. You might also want to stay the little mouse because of the “should” in life, but really at some point you have to face and heal to be who you are and who you are meant to be.

The last few weeks I've had flashes of memories from things that showed so clearly who I am, things I did, said and understood from such an early age. It's been amazing to recall things so freely that I had hidden away in the recesses of my mind. Things I knew as an early teenager that make so much more sense now after years of Spiritual and Metaphysical study and yet I'm only on the cusp of learning and understanding it feels.

So many things I did then as a kid, make so much sense now to the woman who is fifty now. I can see the dots connect in some ways.

I've been asking my Guides, Guardians, The Angels and The Ascended Masters for help in finishing what needs to be finished for me to move forward in my life. I don't know when or how I pray I is so very soon. To come full circle and finish the cycle...to heal so that I can help others to heal as well. God/Creator Works in some very interesting ways.....

“I Love You Ada – Bye” - For Karl

Hello Dear Listeners!!! Although this will be published in the September e-zine for which I'm a regular columnist, it felt right for me to start my blogging again with this writing I just finished.  More to come and much more regularly from now on, The long dark night is coming to a close.
LOTS of Love and Many Blessings, Ada

“I Love You Ada – Bye” - For Karl

My contribution in July's edition of this E-zine was on grief. I wrote that because of what I was sharing with my partner in our loss for a most beloved fur baby, 16 year old Sammy. It makes no difference if the loss is for a person or a fur/feathered person, each loss is hard. I knew that from my personal experience as well as my work as a Psychic Medium and Chakra Healer too how hard it can be.

However, what I didn't know at the time of it's submission was that I too would be feeling another loss in July. Synchronicity works in very interesting ways.. This is one of the most interesting times of this in my life. So many things fell into place these last few weeks.

On the 22^nd of July the call came. I knew someday I would receive it, however, it was also one I never wanted to hear. That call happened much earlier in my life than I would have wished for, but I can see Creator's timing in all of it. The call I'm referring to is the one I received from my “adopted” brother Karl's mum, early in the morning of July. I saw her name come up on my mobile and knew she was having health problems. Rarely would she call so early, so I knew something was amiss immediately. I swallowed my tea hard and answered the call.

Those words “Karl died in his sleep last night” were so hard for me to grasp. I listened and didn't want to believe it but my soul felt the truth of it. We talked for a few minutes and agreed to phone one another later in the day. After fighting back the urge to call his apartment, I called my partner. You always need someone to lean on in those times. Remember always gather loved ones around you to support you.

Karl isn't the first of my childhood friends to pass however, he's the one I've been closest to in some ways. In many ways he truly was like a brother. He always cared. It's hit me hard his crossing, I won't deny that in the least. We'd known each other since I was 11/12 and he was 17/18. He looked like he was 12 then, I remember that so well. Skinny as a rail, flat top hair cut and a big grin were Karl's endearing features. He could eat and eat and never gain an ounce back then.

To me, his multiple handicaps meant little other than helping him an extra bit when we played. He liked bowling and rock and roll, his guitar and always the weather reports. He would do his best to speak clearly but the autism and his stutter made it hard sometimes. We would play with his kid's bowling set on good days. We would set the pins up under my bedroom window in the driveway his mother's flat and my parent's flat shared. He always cheered when either of us made a strike.

Karl and I attended the same school after I moved from elementary to junior school. Our high school in that small New Hampshire town was both senior and junior high school together. Sometimes I would see him in the special ed rooms and wave. He'd smile from his seat as I passed by.

We'd talk about all sorts of things as we grew up a floor apart from each other. His mum would have me over at times and we'd make jam or something for treats. Karl and I would finish off the pot with the jam in it or have whatever extra bits were left over. Then he and I would go and talk about some of the things he enjoyed, simple things really. He'd tell me about string, all sorts of string and tensile strength for fishing line, string, rope and more. He'd always tell me what the weather was going to be for the next few days. That's one thing that never changed over the years.

Years after I moved away tests and doctors coming to understand special needs people more keenly allowed us to know Karl had Kleinfelter's syndrome, cerebral palsy and autism we knew. His original diagnosis in the 1960's I always detested it simply stated “Retarded” on the papers. To me that's an ugly word meaning “not as much as, or limited to...” To me what it truly showed was how limited the understanding of the professionals were at the time.

Over the many years Karl's mother kept in touch with me through the many changes in my life. After Dad's passing my move was inevitable as my own mother's mental health deteriorated. After that time we wrote letters and on occasion talked on the phone. I'm laughing now because back then there were no cell phones and calling long distance was truly a pretty penny for any call. A few times when I was a “poor college student” she had me come out to visit them. I remember how hard it was for me to tell her and Karl I was expecting my first child. She was a bit of a straight arrow person and my being unmarried I wasn't sure how it would go.

It went smoothly enough and she sent me baby things when my own family had dismissed me from their lives for that “folly” of being an unwed mother. Karl acted excited and said he was going to have a little niece or nephew soon. He clapped his hands and said “that will be good won't it Ada” time and again.

He saw my girls only as babies but never as growing young women due to distance and personal choices I made. He would however talk to them on the phone when they were younger. When I got the phone back he would say “That was good wasn't it Ada” and I knew he was smiling.

Years went by and we started having our weekly call as his helpers as I call those wonderful people said how it made a huge difference in his life. He'd be happy to tell me the weather for his area, what the Pawtucket, RI baseball team was doing and when he was going to get a new baseball. The conversations were never long and usually ended with me having to prompt him with “I love you Karl” before he'd say it back “I love you too Ada, We've talked ourselves out - bye.”

That's the key of how I know he knew his time was very close. The last phone call we had all the normal things we talked about and then he said it “We've talked ourselves out for this week Ada. I love you -Bye.” The way he said I love you had more emphasis than normal AND he said it first. When I spoke to his mum, she confirmed similar experiences from him that week too.

Sometimes it takes us looking back at a conversation or things that happen before a loved one's passing to realize the missed clues they leave behind for us. I've seen it in my work many times, with friends and clients and now more so very clearly in my personal life. Why didn't I know he was “going?” I wasn't supposed to know. Sometimes we just aren't supposed to know be it their choice now or a choice we made before we came to this earth...

Creator however does...Another of the synchronicities is that it's the first time in over 36 years I'm in our home state and just 9 miles from where the funeral was held. Tell me Creator does't have plans...

Yes his passing has hit me quite hard because Karl was one of the few people I knew that loved without expectations. His life wasn't easy but he had something a lot of us don't normally, keeping the love like a small child keeps Love. Even at 56 he had that quality in him.

Looking back he's one of my calmer and better teachers. Some might see Karl as a poor soul born with all the things wrong with him that kept him from being “normal” but I see someone who kept going even with all the things he was born with and faced over the years. He'd been hospitalized so many times seriously ill over the years. Too many times for one person to be in ICU and on the edge. He'd started having other problems over the years but kept going.

Then there's me, I've let too many things “get me down” over the years. The big lumps and bumps we all can and do have depending on our life path. More things than I want to take time with on this column now hit the last few years. Let's just say I've been “through the mill” the last few years a bit more than some. I know however, on a soul level that it's all so that I can understand and help others better as well as to help me grow as a woman.

It is time in my life to hold onto the joys and wonderful things more and let the rest go like Karl always did. With the big bumps of the last few years I had wrapped myself in a cocoon, the long dark night kind of cocoon. It's time to shed that cocoon and do it in style my Guides are telling me right now. What they mean by style I don't know, but they do have a great sense and sense of humor too. They give me a picture of Rosalind Russell as “Mame.” We shall see.

Karl has been a wonderful teacher and a loving member of my Soul family. I know he's around as I've already had messages from him. I know he helped me find that baseball I put with his box of ashes. Just days after he passed I had the feeling to put a baseball and guitar pick with his ashes at the burial ceremony. I told my Guides help me find the baseball. I would use one of my own Guitar picks... Two days later I went off to my other job and there were signs for a book sale (I'm dangerous at book sales especially the yard sale kind) As I talked to the couple my eyes drew me to a milk crate half filled with old baseballs. Tearing up I asked if I could have one and told them why. One book on birds and a baseball later I drove home.

The day of the funeral I had the baseball in hand and drew out a new guitar pick. I put them on the seat next to me along with my little dog Buddy. When I went to get the them, the guitar pick had disappeared. I searched all over, it was gone. Buddy doesn't bother such things and the area was undisturbed where I had put it for safe keeping. Next to the wooden box that was holding Karl's ashes I set the baseball. When I told the priest about the guitar pick he said “Don't worry, he's already got it.” confirming my thoughts exactly.

He may have had handicaps in this life but he sure doesn't in the after life. Rock on little brother, learn a few chords from Hendrix and B.B.King...

I Love you Karl – Bye for now...