I've been in New Hampshire now for just over a year. It's not been the easiest of years but I have seen the need to be back here in my home area after 35 years of absence to heal all the old wounds going back to when I was a girl. From what I've witnessed in the last few weeks, Creator is giving me the best nudges to do just that... Heal.
This is where it all started for me, my life, feeling like an odd ball at every turn and doing the one thing most everyone in my family was proud of me for my academic ability. It's also the place where I learned to hide – literally in closets or under beds when I was very little. Being a little one and sensing more highly than family around you makes things interesting in life really quickly. It's where I learned that it was best at the time where I said as little as possible so that my family would like me and I wouldn't feel like “the weird one” or that in some way I was misbehaving.
This I've felt since starting my trip last June. It must have been something deep inside that my soul knew I had to make but my logical, ego based self only felt absolute fear in almost every mile of doing so. For me this wasn't the jolly fun adventure in a motorhome traveling to fun campgrounds and having a ball, it was healing time and working at the fear that had built up in me so much that I really thought at times it could choke me. God knows how thankful I am for those precious Souls who loaned me their listening ears and hearts throughout.
It's been an undercurrent all throughout my being back in New Hampshire. Things haven't worked out as I had planned, however, miracles and magic have unfolded at just the right times through out my stay. This was even more apparent last week as I drove along with the others after Karl's funeral. We were on our way to the luncheon afterwards and the path we took could not have been better planned. This is when it struck me the most how much this is all about coming full circle and finishing this cycle.
As the post funeral procession meandered through the streets of my home village. (THIS in and of itself was a surprise as I thought we were going in a southern direction for this, not north into my village! When I was told where it was to be, my jaw could have hit the floor!) First we passed by the street where old house we lived in on the edge of town was at that time. Then, going the back way, we ended up driving past my mother's birth place as well as her final resting place. My brain stopped at that point for just a few seconds. I knew on the way back I would be visiting Dad's grave as it was on my way home. Three graves in one day “unintentionally” by those driving but so intentional by Creator's hand as it looks.
I'll admit I was in a daze for a few minutes upon arriving at the lodge where the buffet had been set up. That drive couldn't have been better planned with all the places that were most familiar to me from my bike riding days. It was as if Creator was taking me back to my fun loving bicycle riding kid days as I think about it now, before Dad's death, before everything ground shaking 35 years ago had started. As I sit here writing this and thinking about all of it that day and the years before, it's truly something to wrap my head around.
For three decades I always said I wouldn't come back here to live because of the cold winters. That's only partially true, yes most of it is because of those brutally icy northern winters. (and let me tell you now, living through one in a motor home is NO picnic as that was me and so many others situation last winter) However the reality of it is my father died in one of those winters, shoveling snow and I don't think I've ever looked at snow the same way since in all honesty.
I remember leaving here at 14 ½ thinking I would be free of being the freak. I could have a new life where people wouldn't treat me as if I was weird or different. I could start again. But that really didn't happen, that wish soon faded and died. You cannot be anything that what you are in this life and for me, people have always been able to sense it. The courts had decided I would be given over to my oldest brother. He loved me, I felt that then. I thought his family, my sister in law and sons would too. I was far too naïve then to understand how so often families can put the word “fun” in dysfunctional.
No matter how hard I consciously tried, hiding the real me wasn't possible. I'll admit I fit in there about as well as an alpaca at a humming bird festival.
Regardless of how hard you try in life, you have to be you. You may feel lost, afraid, unable or incompetent, that good old “not up to the task” feeling. You might also want to stay the little mouse because of the “should” in life, but really at some point you have to face and heal to be who you are and who you are meant to be.
The last few weeks I've had flashes of memories from things that showed so clearly who I am, things I did, said and understood from such an early age. It's been amazing to recall things so freely that I had hidden away in the recesses of my mind. Things I knew as an early teenager that make so much more sense now after years of Spiritual and Metaphysical study and yet I'm only on the cusp of learning and understanding it feels.
So many things I did then as a kid, make so much sense now to the woman who is fifty now. I can see the dots connect in some ways.
I've been asking my Guides, Guardians, The Angels and The Ascended Masters for help in finishing what needs to be finished for me to move forward in my life. I don't know when or how I pray I is so very soon. To come full circle and finish the cycle...to heal so that I can help others to heal as well. God/Creator Works in some very interesting ways.....